To finally talk about the passing of Fade. It's been 2 months, and I still hurt every single day. Luckily, I'm at college and away from all the memories. When I do go home, it hurts. It hurts to see her ashes. I miss her so much.
On Wednesday night, September 1, 2010, Fade sprung up from laying on the ground and started acting like she was choking. I let her outside because she was in a panic and wanted to go outside. When I let her out, she began SWALLOWING grass. I don't mean eating it. She was taking mouthfuls and mouthfuls. We rushed her to the emergency vet, where they did X-rays. The x-rays showed that her liver was so enlarged, it was displacing her stomach, making her feel sick. So we opted to do a whole blood panel. They came out and told us they had never seen some of the results they had, be so high. The results showed she was in the final stages of liver and kidney failure, and also that she had cancer somewhere along the line. My heart broke. She has been my baby for the last 14 years, I couldn't lose her. Not now. I was leaving for college on Monday, and I didn't want that to be the last time I ever saw her. My family and vets tried to talk me into putting her to sleep, but I refused. Thursday afternoon, I sat down and talked with one of my veterinarian friends who had called and discussed the results with the emergency vet. Fade was very sick, and she could make it a few months, but the sickness would take a sudden dive. She would instantly become sick. Throwing up, pooping everywhere, seizures. She'd be in pain. Her liver and kidneys would shut down very quickly. With me not being home and my mom being at work, she would have went alone, scared, and in pain. I didn't want that for her. Plus, if it came to that, I wouldn't have been able to hold her while she went. I would have been stuck at school, and she would have went alone. So I made the decision that on Saturday, I'd let her gain her wings. That was the hardest decision of my life. I gave her everything she wanted that day. Hot dogs, treats. She got it all. I will always remember the feel of her head in my hands as it grew heavy. I will always remember the words "she's gone." and how they cut into me like a steel knife. I will remember me draped over her crying and apologizing I couldn't help her. But, I will more remember the amazing life I had with her. The specialness and happiness she brought to my life, and to the lives of everyone she was around. I will remember her dorky little ears and the way she looked at me when she wanted a treat that was on the top of the refrigerator.
Fade, Mommy will always love you. You were my life, my passion, my everything. I will never forget the smile you brought to my face, and the happiness you brought everyone. I will never forget how forgiving you were. How loving you were with the baby kittens we brought in. Without you in my life Fade, I wouldn't be who I am. You strengthened my love for animals. You are the reason I am pursuing my dream of becoming a veterinary technician. Because of your willingness to learn and please and the amazing dog you were, you are the reason I'm going to go into training dogs. I look back, and you are why I am who I am. Thank you. God needed a perfect little angel like you. Watch over me. Keep me safe. The day I see you again, I'll hold you in my arms and never let go. Rest in peace dear sweet one. You're free now.
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Fade was an amazing dog. I miss her to this day. I miss the smell of her ears and paws and talking to her. I miss telling her to "put yer eeip down" when her lip would get caught in her teeth. She was a human in a dog's body. We were blessed to have her.
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